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Post by EmberRoze on Nov 14, 2008 20:17:25 GMT -6
Yeah, it's free form, and it's rough. If I cared, I wouldn't post it. It will get polished later. Deal with it.
I’ve followed you so faithfully, But around this coming turn, Will be my final disappearing act, For I’ve finished always running ‘Round this futile, endless path.
All along my legs have grown Weary of this continual battle, Struggling persistently uphill Reaching the final pinnacle, To slide down to my current wake.
This heart cannot fight any longer, The scars constrict and choke, So fond farewell my love, I’m abandoning thee tonight, For nothing holds me here now.
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Post by Pez on Nov 15, 2008 0:25:39 GMT -6
I like it. Free-verse is always something I enjoy, and with the right poet it can express more with no rhymes and little meter than if we were to stick it all in even four-stanza'd four-line'd properly metered poem. Plus, the word choice is awesome. Big words that I can understand make me feel happeh Overall the tone is dark (a common occurrence here, what with all us angsty writers) but it finishes with a light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel feeling. Plus, the last stanza reminds me a lot of Defying Gravity. *goosebumps* You have a lovely knack for writing, Elise
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Post by Aphtyn on Nov 16, 2008 10:45:24 GMT -6
Like it. Right now it's good. Flows a little roughly, but when you polish it I know it'll be amazing.
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Post by EmberRoze on Nov 16, 2008 20:00:00 GMT -6
Take two, potentially the last take. This is my final memento to someone I gave everything to, uselessly. He'll never read it, but the words are out there.
Faithfully I’ve followed thee, But ‘round this coming turn, I’m fading ‘fore the final act, I’ve finished always running ‘Round this futile, endless path.
My legs are losing the strength, Unable to win this bloody battle, Struggling persistently uphill, Reaching for the final pinnacle, To slide down finding myself alone.
This heart cannot fight any longer, The scars constrict and choke, So fond farewell my love, I’m abandoning thee tonight, For nothing holds me here now.
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Post by Pez on Nov 17, 2008 0:12:18 GMT -6
*hug*
Makes me want to crack open my black journal and see if I can find a poem I wrote that's a bit like this one.
Very good second take, it flowed much more smoothly. Saying it aloud, it just rolled off the gonue.
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Post by Aphtyn on Nov 18, 2008 17:03:59 GMT -6
LOVE! <3
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